♥♥Me and my life journey...

Friday, April 29, 2005Y

Life is down

Life is down

I am a confused and contradicting gal. Maybe that's why I am a Gemini. Sometimes I tell myself stuff that make me feel more consoled. But sometimes I think about the matter and felt worse.

I have been wanting to tell my self: Hey gal, there's nothing you can do. You already did the best you can and don't be so hard on yourself. Since nothing can be done on your part why not take it easy and just let things happen naturally. If it comes, it comes. If it doesn't, then too bad. Its one of the hard facts of life. People do not always get what they wanted. It is not worth it to get so miserable. He won't even know it or take pity on you. It does not even make a difference to him.

Sometimes, I think about the way he is treating me now, I really feel so miserable. I couldn't help thinking why things would turn out this way? And things have been getting worse day by day. I think I am on the verge of a mental breakdown. I am not in the mood for anything.

Everyday when I open my eyes, I immediately think of how he is treating me now. And I know it is going to be the start of a terrible day for me. I have never feel like this before. What I am asking for is not much. I am not wanting to be his girlfriend. From the bottom of my heart, I really don't. What I want is just that little bit of concern and attention from him. And a little bit more tinge of friendliness in him when I talked to him. Is that alot to ask for?

I remember everything he told me before. I remember the topics we shared and discussed. I remember him telling me lots of interesting stuff that I never know before. I remember the things we did together. I remember the places we went to. But these are all the past. Past that are called memories. Memories can be sweet and happy. But they can be painful as well. It's just a thin line separating the two. I am living in those happy memories he gave. That is why I am feeling so miserable now. Although the happy times only lasted 2 weeks, they left a huge impact on me.

Once he asked me where does he stand. I told him that he is a person whom I like his company, someone I will rely on and is rather important to me. Up till now, he still is. But I know on his side, I am no longer what I used to be at that point in time. I am no longer standing at where I stood. Things are just so different now. We are no longer what we used to be...

ends at 5:22 AM

Wednesday, April 27, 2005Y

One of the many thousands broken hearts

One of the many thousands broken hearts

What else can I say? My heart is broken... And it is so painful to endure the pain of an aching heart... Life has never been so hard on me before. Stressed and devastated. That is what I am feeling right now. My stupid exams are coming. They only add stress to my never-before-so-stressed life. I seriously have not started a single shit of my revision and there are soooooo much stuffs to be covered.

A simple sms of concern from him asking: "How is your day?" will definately brighten my day. But as time passes I know its not gonna happen. Everything happens in a chain. I guess a simple sms from another gal will also make his day. And a simple sms from me brightens up somebody else's day. Party A likes Party B and Party B likes Party C but Party C likes Party D. However, Party D doesn't want to be with Party C... Aww... Isn't that always the case in drama serials? But never would I thought that I would get a chance to be entangled in such complicated and heart-wrenching storyline...

Its painful... Really painful...

Have you ever loved somebody so much

It makes you cry

Have you ever needed something so bad

You can't sleep at night

Have you ever tried to find the words

But they don't come out right

Have you ever, have you ever

Have you ever been in love

Been in love so bad

You'd do anything to make them understand

Have you ever had someone steal your heart away

You'd give anything to make them feel the same

Have you ever searched for the words to get you in their heart

But you don't know what to say

And you don't konw where to start

Have you ever loved somebody so much

It makes you cry

Have you ever needed something so bad

You can't sleep at night

Have you ever tried to find the words

But they don't come out right

Have you ever, have you ever

Have you ever found the one

You've dreamed of all your life

You'd do anything to look into their eyes

Have you finally found the one you've given your heart to

Only to find that one won't give their heart to you

Have you ever closed your eyes and

Dreamed that they were there

And all you can do is wait for that day when they will care

What do I gotta do to get you in my arms baby

What do I gotta do to get to your heart

To make you understand how I need you next to me

Gotta get you in my world

'Cuz baby I can't sleep

ends at 3:58 AM

Monday, April 25, 2005Y

A night of mixed emotions

A night of mixed emtions

Saturday was the best day of my whole week. Went shopping with Hwee and bought myself a white colour hand carry bag, a Loreal lip shine and a hair wax... My fringe is getting long and I think its time to leave my fringe long... Tired of having fringe for the past one year plus...

Decided to go Double O the last minute... We were thinking of where to go after all the shops were closed... I casually mentioned Double O and to my surprise Hwee actually agreed. Enjoyed myself quite alot there... Ya... Cause its... Retro Party Night... Hehe...

On top of that, I met someone who mean quite alot to me there. Saw him when I was about to leave. Although it was just a short chat that seemed quite distant, I am still contented. Sometimes he seems so far to reach, sometimes he is just so caring. But one thing for sure. He is not as opened as before and tends to draw back and restricts himself when expressing his thoughts. He just seems to build an invisible barrier in front of him. Nevertheless, I still have to thank him for being there when I needed him...

It was a night of mixed emotions... There are things to be happy about... And things to worry about... Guess they are all parts and parcels of life...

Today passes so fast... Woke up at 3 plus and went for lunch with Hwee... Came home at 5 plus and the day is already gone...

ends at 1:54 PM

Sunday, April 24, 2005Y

My only love...

My only love...

Went for clubbing with Mylene yesterday. Had been discussing where to club with her for the whole afternoon before deciding for Madam Wong. Met her straight after my stupid lecture that ended at 9pm. I was feeling abit hungry so we stopped by Cafe Cartel at Plaza Singapura for a bite. After my snack, don't what happen to us, we changed our mind the very last minute and headed to China Black.

Before I go, I already knew C.Black plays RnB and Trance. I honestly thought that I was pretty positive about Rnb. And I thought I was sort of Ok with Trance. The types of music that really turn me off are House and Techno. I really thought so...

So when I got there, as expected, the DJ was spinning RnB. We went straight down to the dance floor and it was packed like sardine. It was cramp, squeezy, warm and suffocating. I was sweating and sticky like hell the moment I parked myself there. The kind of feeling I hated most when I club. Well, the RnB songs played were not bad but I felt something amissed. After sometime, the music was switched to Trance.. We still stayed at the dance floor for quite awhile before Mylene's boyfriend reached to send her back.

I confessed. I didn't really enjoy the songs played. I thought I would. But apparently I don't. I think I have gotten too used to Retro. I was abit lost when the RnB songs were spun. Suddenly I realised that I don't know how to customise the shaking of my body to the beats. I think I only enjoy Retro. Secretly in my heart I was praying that the DJ will spin some Retro. Something I knew will never happen. I was deceiving myself... Geez... Yes at the end of the day I realised I only love Retro. Only Retro... Well... You can say I am not adaptable but thats the way I am... Thinking about songs like Summer Rain, Love in the first degree, A little Respect, Square Room, Call me, Bizzare Love Triangle... My god I am craving soooo much for them... It's been nearly two years since I officially got hooked by Mambo but the feeling never seem to cease... I am going crazy over my love for Retro...

ends at 5:40 AM

Friday, April 22, 2005Y

The fate of my future Mambo nites...

The fate of my future Mambo nites...

Didn't go to my favourite hangout ---> Zouk Mambo

Reason: My Mambo kaki Siew Hwee doesn't want to go.
If not, how would I bear to miss out the fun that only comes once a week? If she is willing to go, I definately will not turn her down... Too bad she works office hour and gotta wake up early. I guess I have to search for more Mambo kakis before I die craving for Zouk.

Bottom line: Any retro fanatics care to let me tag along? But... I don't do much "sychronised dancing" stuff... Ok well I do sometimes... But not to each and every song played. Ok? *grin*

Instead of Zouk. she dragged me to Cosy Bay for a chill out, together with Joseph and Allan. Before that, that irritating bitch of mine made me waited for her for almost an hour in the middle of Orchard Road. Kept declaring that she will be there in 10 minutes. My mood was already not very good. And that long wait made me feel worse... Nonetheless, she still managed to cheer me up abit by giving me that cheeky face of hers.

Cosy Bay is a pretty nice place for a drink, but I think they closed for the day abit too early. Like 1 am? We reached there almost 12, so strictly speaking we only managed to sit there for an hour. Look, I waited for her for an hour, and time spent with her was an hour, minus the time spent on travelling lar. Worth it? I don't know. Allan sent all of us back after that and I fell asleep almost immediately upon reaching home. Geez... Guess my insomnia problem is getting better huh. Yeah!

Hwee knows that I have been very vexed these few days and she sent me this sms before she slept:
My ger ger... I pray that you will be a happy person eventually... That is when you found someone you find bliss in, feel secure with, finds enjoyment with, makes your plan together with... Good luck... Any worst moments... I'm still the old me around for you... Good night.

Awww... Isn't she soooo sweet? I am really touched by this. I just simply love her so much... She is really a very great friend who will stand by you no matter what happens. She will be there at any moment when you seriously need a shoulder. And I know for sure that our friendship will stand strong.

To friends who know that I have been abit down lately, I will be fine. I am already feeling abit better as compared to a few days back. I have already sort out my thinkings. No matter what happens, life still gotta go on... And a day has got to pass no matter you spend the day smiling or sulking. Therefore, I will try not to sulk. It will make me feel better this way.

ends at 5:34 PM

Thursday, April 21, 2005Y

I've been cursed!

I've been cursed!

It had been a tiring day for me... Rushing to three tuitions today. One at woodlands, followed by two at Choa Chu Kang. But I managed to pull through. By the time i went for my last tuition, I was already half-dead, given that I had not eaten anything since morning. Thanks to my mum, who thought that I will not be out so early and did not buy any lunch for her poor little princess.

I asked my student to do some work while I marked his homework. Suddenly, he popped me with the question

Junhao: Eh are you a Gemini?
Rachel: *shocked* How you know??? I didn't tell you before...
Junhao: Dunno leh... you looked like a gemini...
Rachel: Wah u very clever hor? So good at guessing. Bull's eye at the very first try.
Junhao: Eh you will not be able to get marry for the next seven years.
Rachel: Oei you dun curse me leh...
Junhao: Really... this is what the TV says... You never watch Cable TV Channel 56 the Wan Quan Yu Le meh... They say Gemini girls can't get married within this seven years... If you insisted on getting married rite... You will get a very very very bad husband...

My student, Junhao is only 9 years old. Can you imagine these words coming out from a 9 year old boy? Most importantly, he cursed me! Darn... Fancy getting cursed by your own student... What the heck... seven years? That means that i can't get married until the age of 29... I have been cursed... My worst nightmare is going to come true... No one wants to marry me...

ends at 5:24 PM

Being Stupid...

Being stupid

People, people, people...
Everybody communicate with people everyday.
Everybody see and come across different people everyday.
For some, oh it might leave a deeper impression, may it be because of the better/worse appearance the person has, or the strong personality he/she possesses when u talk to them.
For some, maybe you already have met this person a few times before, but you will never ever get to notice them passing by you.
For some, you may become best of friends as days passed, and you get to know each other better.
For some, you may become friends and later on promoted to being a boy/girlfriend, hoping that he/she will be your life partner, one you can depend on for the rest of your life.

But wait, do you still remember the first time you met each other? Does it still casts a deep impression in your memory? As the days passed, does the person changes in attitude? Yes it might be the real him, being so quick tempered and has heavy mood swings. He can bring you to heaven at this very moment but pushes you down to hell at the very next. He can be extremely sweet and nice to you at this very moment but doesn't even bother about you at the very next. He can treat you like you are the sweetest angel, giving you all the attention you wanted but at the very next moment, he can treat you like he doesn't even know you. Would you be able to stand this kind of people with such heavy mood swing? Do such people even exist? Yes they do.

What would you do to this kind of people? Yes you will definately going to be affected. You will be lying if you say you don't. Even if you are not madly in love with the person, you will still some how or rather get affected. To drift away, or to stay by trying to accept and understand him more? Rational people will choose the first option. Why step into a puddle of shit when you know that you are going to get hurt? Why choose a difficult path? You better withdraw before you sink deeper into the quicksand. People who follow their feelings will give it a try. You will never know what is going to happen in the future. Perhaps things might get better. Perhaps you will get used to the mood swings and everything is going to be ok. He is what he is and don't be too sensitive trying to guess what he is thinking. He doesn't mean anything bad.

Which option will I choose? Stupid enough to say, I choose the second option. Yes, to stay and learn to understand him more, trying to tolerate these nonsenses. Maybe I will get troubled and down with those mood swings he has. But you will never know if you don't even try. Looking back at those happy memories imprinted on your mind, those happy memories before all these nosensical mood swings start, those happy memories when the two just started to hang out, you can't help but to feel abit lost and helpless. No I don't love him but no harm trying to understand a worthy friend right? Right, this is my decision. I will just let things happen naturally and not think about it ( I will really try hard not to think about it). I am going to be fine... ( I seriously hope)

ends at 3:49 AM

Tuesday, April 19, 2005Y

A day at Sentosa

A day at Sentosa

Ok... After specifying and declaring the future of my blog, I shall start my blogging experience. Luckily this blog has something called a template. If not I think sua kus like me will never have the chance to blog... Wahaha...

Went to Siloso Beach with Siew Hwee yesterday. Ya. Juz the two of us. A very wonderful sunny weather, despite lots of curses from other people. Haha. Neh... Hwee managed to make egg mayo croissont for our lunch. Yum yum so nice but she got a habit of kopping mayo from MacDonald's instead of buying one bottle and put it in her fridge. And she bought along a very tinny winny container juz enough to put in 2 eggs only to discover that she got a problem of stirring in the mayo when we reached Siloso. She said that that was the best container that she could find in her house that is compact and disposable enough. Ok fine... I accepted her explanation though... Keke. Oh, croissonts from Delifrance are super yummy... We did pay for the croissonts, unlike the mayo...

After tanning for some time, (actually only i did the tanning coz hwee was busy hiding under the coconut tree trying hard not to let the sunlight dropped on her), we decided to get down to the cooling sea water. Talking and slacking in the water before we discover a middle-aged Malay uncle using a funny look to glance at us. I can tell you the look was simply very bian tai. He kept his vision on us without turning away for a very long time... Can u imagine how it feels when u know that there is a person staring at you from the corner of your eye? Ok we cant tahan the man's unusual staring and we got back ashore.

Then, we started looking around for bikini babes with those wow-so-nice figure, envying them and complimenting how great they look. But you gotta cover some of their faces to make them more complete though. Hiak hiak. And discussing our spare tyres on our abdomens and comparing whose is flabbier. We were yelling and screaming about getting out of shape and decide to slim down by swimming more frequently. Oh, we were busily munching the Jack n Jill salsa chilli potato chips while discussing the senstive topic. Damn... U get the idea? Haha...

After ending the topic but still continuing with the munching of potato chips, I overheard the conversation of the lifeguards in hokkien... But i shall be courteous enough to translate them to singlish...
Lifeguard A: Wah today like alot of bak chai hor?
Lifeguard B: Han nor I also feel that today got quite a number of bak chai... U see that chai in orange colour bikini at the back? Wah lau the figure abit out of shape hor... Blah Blah Blah...

I didn't wanna finish listening to the whole conversation and dragged Hwee down into the water and told her what I overheard. Die liao lar... m I being labelled under the bak chai category by the two lifeguards??? Will they turn their focus of attention on me and started gossipping on how cannot make it my figure is??? Shit... I must really start my swimming-to-slim-down sessions and stop munching that fatal packet of potato chips...

When it was about time to go, we got bathed and changed up and settled at Sakae Sushi for our dinner. Nice settings there. U can see the beach and sunset while sitting outside enjoying your dinner. After that, we hopped on the blue mini bus and went to watch to musical fountain. To tell u the truth, I have never watched the musical fountain before. Alright... I m sua ku... I admit... I was amazed by the performance... The laser animation and effects of the fountain and the lightings were so well coordinated and everything is just so magical and fantastic... I would want to go and watched the performance again but hopefully next time is with boyfriend (oh when is he coming into my life...) I went home satisifed and I never have had such a fun-filled day for a long time. Many thanks to Hwee. U make my day...

ends at 9:00 AM

I m not IT-Savvy

I am not IT-Savvy

Ok, I will have to admit that I m not an IT-savvy person well-equipped in web page designing skills such as Dreamweaver(is this how its supposed to be spelt? God.) I do not know how to change those cramped numerical and those kind of ewrizcv xdsg type of codings. Therefore, I m not gonna do anything fantasic or personalised to this site coz i don't know how... Unless some kind soul is willing to teach me but at the risk of obtaining a high-blood pressure... Hahahaha...

ends at 7:45 AM