♥♥Me and my life journey...

Wednesday, June 29, 2005Y

Rachel makes a bad girlfriend

Rachel makes a bad girlfriend

Met up with Valerie in the evening for a catching up session... Ok lar to be frank, a gossiping session. *laughs* Her boyfriend called at 7 plus telling her that he came out from camp and asked her to packet dinner for him. Val was abit annoyed with him for not informing her earlier that he would be out and assumed that she will always be available for him. Especially when she had already met up with her friend (that's me!). Despite she telling him to wait and telling me that she is going to ignore him as a punishment for not informing her early, she still ended our talking session by 8pm and bought him dinner. *frown* She is such a wonderful girlfriend.

This makes me wonder, lucky I got no boyfriend to restrain me. I can go wherever I want to go, do whatever I want to do, and meet whoever I want to meet. Without having to report to another person or having to have someone chasing after me for my actions (apart from the constant nagging form my mum). Did I ever tell you I hate it when people ask me questions like: Where are you? When will you be home? Who you going out with? Argh! I hate these questions to the core. You may think that I am too self-centered or these are just normal questions that a couple will ask each other. But sorry that's the way I am. I believe that I am in ultimate control of myself and no one can judge my actions or control them. Nor there is a need having to report to somebody of my actions. We are not in national service here. Neither I will need to consider that there is someone waiting for me and I have to sacrifice something just for that person. I will never do that. Or perhaps once in a blue moon. When I am out with my friends, it means I am out with my friends. I seldom will sacrifice my friends because my boyfriend last minute come up with some pattern. Last minute changes? Sorry that's your business.

That's why I will never ever make a good girlfriend. I mean... That's my principles. Boyfriend doesn't get any special priorities. No one will ever be able to stand my attitude. However, at this point of my life, I am enjoying my single status to the maximum. For a simple fact. I don't like to be controlled by someone or compromise with someone. On the other hand, given my harsh attitude, I don't think anyone will be able to stand me for long. *laughs*

But I do have to admit that being single, I will feel lonely at times. When all your friends are not free to come out, you will just have to stay home and sulk. Because no one in the world is obliged to come out with you. Unlike a boyfriend. You can always demand and threaten your boyfriend to come out with you. *laughs* I will make such a lousy girlfriend. So demanding and spoilt yet don't want to be restrained.

Looking forward to this evening... *grins*

ends at 4:47 PM

Monday, June 27, 2005Y

Happy Saturday

Happy Saturday

I had such an enjoyable Saturday night . It had been a long day. Woke up damn freaking early at 8am to accompany Noelle to sign as surety for her study in NIE. Now my 5 years will depend on her. If anything happen to her studies, I will commit suicide. *laughs* But I am confident enough that my girl will do well. Reached home in the afternoon and it was not long after that I concussed on my bed. Woke up in the evening and went for a movie with Peng. Initial D. Was not interested in such shows actually but I went for it due to one person. Shawn Yue!!! He is so handsome and suave. I will go crazy like a young teenager girl everytime I see him on posters, TV or whatever. I simply love his bad boy look and his smile will just sweep me off my feet.

Overall the show was nice and hilarious. I practically laughed through the whole 110 mins. It was better than I expected. Well Jay's acting was also better than my expectation of him and there were certain scenes of him that looked so shy and cute. But my heart still lies with Shawn, although I think he looked abit weird with that Hitler moustache.

After the show Peng and I rushed down to Dbl o. As usual. *grins* It was such a crazy and fun night. Its been long since I played till so crazy. Time seemed to pass so fast at Dbl o. The music wasn't exactly great, although there was my favourite Summer Rain. *winkz* I think its the people around me that played a big role. Met Charmaine, one of Peng's friend and I enjoyed dancing with her. But she seemed abit drunk, kept stuffing ice into my mouth through her mouth. And there was Ben too. He was cranky. Both of us were high on alcohol I think and I kept pushing him to knock into other people. He also kept pushing me till I almost lost my balance. Damn. His continuous sarcastic remarks on me made me wanted to prank on him more. *laughs* I am playful. But Peng didn't seemed happy of my actions but he is not my boyfriend to control me or judge any of my actions or to get jealous. I do not have any obligations or liabilties towards him. Neither there is a need for Ben to stay away from me, just like what Colin asked him to do. I mean, we are all friends and I don't like the idea of having to draw boundary line because of Peng's interest in me. And we were not having any form of real close contact or inappropiate behaviour. So what's wrong with that? But that aside, I still enjoyed myself to the max. Peng's unhappiness did not really dampen my spirits. *bleah*

I reached home at 5 in the morning only to find myself too drained to do anything but to wash up and plunged into my bed. The ride home plus the alcohol had taken great effect on me. Felt so much like puking but refrained myself from doing so.

Oh I was almost late for the movie and meeting Peng and I took a route that I feared most. Plucked up all my courage to take that path again. To think of it, its been more than 4 years siince I last landed steps through that path. For once when I walked on that path again, images of that incident still send shivers down my spine and haunted me in my memory. I can still remember vividly what happen. I can still remember clearly how that attacker striked me. And I really found myself so god damn bloody lucky that there was fencing along the side of the path on the spot where he attacked me. If not I don't know what would happen to me. I grabbed the fence with all my might within that limped body of mine. The grab was so strong that it caused bleeding and blisters on my fingers. But I didn't feel any pain at that time. I remember how desperate I was and helplessly crying out for aid. But none of the cars stopped to help, when the spot where I got attacked was beside the main road. Fuck those heartless and cowardy drivers. The man tried slamming me in the face but that didn't caused me to black out. Heng his aiming was not very accurate. After few minutes of struggling, he ran off when he knew that he was not going to succeed. But that few minutes felt like hours to me. It brought about great damage to me mentally and up till now, I still didn't dare to take that path, in fear that another similar incident will happen to me. Yesterday was the first time I took up that path again and I kept looking behind, making sure that no one walked behind me. I am still tramautised by that scary incident even up till this point in time. However, I am glad that I manage to walk that path again. On the other hand, I will still avoid it as much as I can.

ends at 6:41 PM

Friday, June 24, 2005Y

Nice meaningful poem

Nice meaningful poem

There are times when the only solution
Is to let go of the past and start anew
To let go of all the old dreams, the ways of before
Sometimes that's the only thing you can do

One must let go of the hurt and pain
And bury the memories away
Put and leave them in the past
And start to build on a brand new way

One must let go of people and situations
And what "could have been"
One must let go of mistakes
And begin fresh, all over again

When the past holds you back
Haunting your present, overshadowing
Not allowing you to grow and flourish
Then it's time to let go of everything

It's not always easy to start afresh
But neither is it easy to live in the past
Today and tomorrow is ours to live
Step by step we can build a new life to last

It serves no purpose to hold on to
Something that gives you no room
To grow, to flower To bring your life to bloom

There are times when the only solution
Is to not look back as you walk away
To burn your bridges of yesterday
And start a new life today

- Kathleen Poulson

Saw this poem over at someone's blog. I like it so much that I want to blog it down. These are all the things I have kept wanting to tell myself, things that I want myself to achieve.

To the one: How I wish things didn't turn out this way. How I wish we didn't got back into contact in the first place. How I wish you didn't see me there that night. How I wish I never gave you my number one year back. It was around this time last year that we met each other. How I wish everything didn't happen. Some things just ain't meant to be. I know things between us ain't gonna change for the better. It's game over. I am missing you badly. But I know you won't even give a damn. At this point in time, I am already contented enough to know that you are still doing fine and I will be really happy for you if you get what you want ultimately.

ends at 3:32 PM

Thursday, June 23, 2005Y

Weird Wednesday

Weird Wednesday

Right. I have got a temporary phone now. Thanks to Willie boy!!! But the LCD of the phone is spoilt. Can't see a single shit on the damn screen. Therefore I cannot read my messages nor see the caller id. So please pardon me for my late reply in messages or asking who you are when you ring me.

Surprise to see me blogging at such early hours on Thursday? Right I did not go to my Mambo. Instead I was playing mahjong at hui's house till I flew off to catch the last train back home. Tried contacting Phyllis to ask her go Mambo in the afternoon but she didn't reply my sms. Hope she is fine. Getting abit worried about her. Mahjong was a very last minute decision. A lure from Noelle and Hui to prevent me from forsaking them and going home. Well they succeeded. But I am craving for Mambo... Let's hope that there is no Summer Rain tonight. *devilish laugh* I am so evil... I got no choice, but to self-play the song on Winamp. *wink* Wonder if tonight is fun. Hope not. Lolz... Well take it as a break for just one week. Self consoling. Though my body is here typing my mind and soul have already long flew to Zouk. *laughs*

Won quite abit from mahjong. Promise Alan that I will be treating him for movie and thus part of the money will have to be set aside. That's how broke I am now. Got to try hard to get even a ten over dollar. Plus I still need to get a new handphone (pretty urgent) and I still owe m1 300 over bucks of unpaid phone bills (also pretty urgent coz my outgoing calls have already been barred, damn). Never been so broke in my life. Serious financial crisis. No more Gucci or LV or Tioman for me at the moment. *cries loudly*

Oh got my timetable for the next semester. Actually I didn't plan. Not much slots left for me. I will just have to take it. Serve me right for registering at the very last day. On the very last day, lucky Weilie told me its the deadline. Else I would still happily surfing everything on the net except registering for my modules. When I access the student portal, to my horror, I discovered that my core module, Microecons or Managerial Econs has already been fully taken up. To a much bigger horror this would mean that I will have to study one more year. I can't believe my eyes and I freaked out. This was followed by intensive brain juices flowing through my brain thinking of solutions. At that point in time I was really cursing and swearing at myself for being so slack. I also found out in disbelief that SIM only open one class for Microecons. ONE CLASS. Of course will be full lar!!! Desperate, I tried frantically to search for the course coordinators' contact numbers. Flip the whole portal upside down inside out. None insight. I was like WTF!!! Why can't they just post their desk numbers on the web? Instead, the only lead I got was the general CONTACT US email link. Out of no choice, I emailed but I had a hunch that 80% they will not see the email by the very next day. The email goes like this:

I am proceeding to the final year next semester and my degree structure requires me to take up Micro or ME. However, both the modules are already full and I have not yet register for the rest of the modules as I understand that no changes are to be made once it is confirm. I do not wish to have to stay back a year just because SIM has not enough places to accomodate all the their students and ensure that there are sufficient places for their students Thanks.

Crude and sarcastic huh? Pushing all the blame to the institute when I should carry part of the responsibility for registering SO late. However, having doubts that they will see my email. I decided to go down to school the next day. While I was on my way to school. The coodinator actually called me! She was so nice that she helped me see all my availiable slots for all the modules and squeezed me into the supposedly fulled Micro class. Although the timetable was not very good but that was the best left. I should be already be contented enough for being able to take up all the modules I want. So SIM's service and efficiency are extremely fantastic!

I have to study five days a week. Including Saturdays. Boo hoo... All the nice slots were taken up. Only left with all afternoon classes. Damn myself for being so slack. Learnt it the hard way and I have a hard life the next semester. *shake my head and sigh*

Currently on a very strict dieting plan. Have been very careful with what I eat for the past 3 days. Rules I set for myself:

1. No dinner or supper or anything except plain water after 9pm
2. No cold drinks to be taken together with food
3. No red meat. Only fish and chicken allowed.
4. No oily and fried stuffs
5. Cut down on rice intake.

Today is the fourth day of my dieting plan. Let's hope that I will really slim down this time round. I really can't stand myself in the mirror. But I have been starving badly in between meals coz my intake of food has cut down. So don't be surprised if you see me collapsing on the street one fine day. Fainted due to hunger. *laughs* I want to slim down!

ends at 6:53 PM

Tuesday, June 21, 2005Y

Phoneless me

Phoneless me

Damn it!!! My lousy handphone is spoilt!!! Returned Peng's phone back to him on Saturday. When I reached home and tried to slot in my sim card and switched on my damn LG phone, it could not be turned on, much to my dismay. Although I really really hate this LG phone but it is at the very least better than nothing. But it died on me. I don't know what happened. Everything was fine when I switched it off 2 months plus ago. So now I am practically phoneless. And the feeling of not having a phone sucks right to the end. I can't know who is looking for me, I can't know who has sms-ed me, I can't remember all those important numbers that I might need to call. My brain is heavily reliant on the contact phonebook. Searching through the database in my brain, I discovered that mentally I only remembered less than 10 of my friends number: Siewhwee, Noelle, Jingfen, Weilie, Peng, Valerie, Yulian, Brother, Home.

The above-mentioned people, you should feel honoured for earning a place within my shrinking pea-sized brain. *bleah*

It looks like I will have to get a new handphone. But I don't know which model to get. I love the Panasonic X800 and Siemens SF 65. But they do not carry much functions and not so user friendly. Furthermore, they are likely not to have much trade in value. Thought of Nokia 3230. Smart phone with lotsa functions. But I do not really like the design. Thought of 7610 but I am tired of seeing that phone and everyone is using it. I am hard to please I know.

One thing I don't like about Nokia phones. Sms are stored in the phone memory instead of sim. That means that once you change your handphone, you are not able to bring along all those sms with you. Those precious sms are still in the previous phone and there is no way you can transfer the sms to the other phone and still keeping the sender's number. Because of this, I have lost all the sms he sent me. Many people will think: What's the big deal? It's already over and still keep those sms for what? Everything about him is lost, the only thing he left apart from those memories is the sms. Now, the sms are also deleted upon the return of the phone to Peng. I know I am stupid for wanting to preserve those sms. But thats my only way of rememberance. I just want to keep them for the sake of remembering those times. But everything is lost and there is nothing I can do about it.

I saw Simon at Dbl-O on Saturday. Who is Simon? My primary school classmate! I was so shocked that he recognised me. We have not seen each other for 10 whole years and given the dim lights there, he was able to recognise me and called out to me. At first I looked at him with wary eyes thinking who the hell was this guy and how he knew my name. Did I knew him from somewhere that I had forgotten? It was only when he said Chongfu, Simon, classmate (cant hear the full sentence properly due to the blasting of music) that I cleared everything up. OMG he changed so much that it was hardly recognisable. Exchanged a few words with him and he was there with his girlfriend and friends. His girlfriend is so sweet and pretty.

Look. I am still so upset over my phone. I hate being phoneless. Argh!!!

ends at 6:42 AM

Friday, June 17, 2005Y

My day at home

My day at home

Yawnz... Spent the whole day lazing at home today. Was too lazy to go for my tuition thus I cancelled it... Well well well ok... I am an irresponsible tutor... *laughs* It was since don't know how many years ago that I had stayed home for one whole day. Pretty impressed with myself though. But it made me discover something horrendous. My mum kept stuffing me with food. One food after another. She took out ice cream and ice cream cake, forcing them down through my gullet. Haha ok lar abit exaggerated... She fed me a mouthful at a time. Listen. She fed me. Whose mother is willing to feed them when their child is at the age of 22? My mum does. I am a pampered spoilt brat I know. *laughs*

So in the end, my mum, sis and I ate the whole tub of ice cream and almost the whole ice cream cake. Oh and the ice cream was my favourite flavour. Chocolate!!! Hee hee...

The ice cream cake was followed by fruits. I ate up all of them. All these were besides our normal meals of lunch and dinner. Looks like I can't always stay at home if not my slimming plan will go down the drain. (though I have not been very persistant in the plan but I don't wanna become fatter!!!)

Wednesday night out was fun! Met up with Phyllis and Jaclyn. Went Dbl-O for their free drinks first and then down to Mambo. Our walk down to Mambo was so hilarious. Shan't mention much. Don't want to cause any blemish to my reputation. Lolz.... What I can say is that the 3 of us were abit high from those alcohol and were blabbering some sensical comments in a nonsensical way. It was Jac's first time down to Zouk and she was so conscious about the way she dances. I think she danced alright and kept assuring her that no one will be looking at her and asked her to relax herself. I hope she had fun over there.

3 broken-hearted women going clubbing. What do you think? Well, I am on my way to recovery and I was so impressed with myself for being able to say such philosophical stuffs.

Now I truly believe that it is only when after a fall that you will learn about things in life and how hard the reality is. The earth still spins no matter what happens. No matter what you do you will not cause any difference to anybody. You will only make a difference to yourself. Only you are in total control of yourself. No one will really care what you do. No matter how much you do for him, he will never know. Or rather he wouldn't even bother to know. No matter how bad you feel, he will never know.

So no point living in the world of agony and darkness, you will have to step out to face the light someday. Nobody can help you. Friends and family can only provide you with advices and shoulders. It is you yourself to determine whether you want to live a life of pain or happiness. It is useless to live a life based on the past. You live for now, not the past. You can't change the past but you have the ability to change your present and future. Being sad or happy, you decide.

This is what I have learnt from the past two months. I wouldn't say that I have totally let down everything but I am still trying very hard. I am lucky to have so many friends around me giving me support and guiding me through the rocky sea, giving me all the time I need for accompany so that I won't have time to think about him.

To Phyllis and Jac: I know the pain you are going through is much deeper than mine. But all you need is time. There are still alot of good things awaiting for you. Throw away your burden and you will realise the world is more beautiful than you thought. Don't harp on the past. Look into what is in store for you. Life is not only just about him.

ends at 3:43 PM

Wednesday, June 15, 2005Y

Serious fatal sinful crime committed

Serious fatal sinful crime committed

Oh my goodness gracious me!!! I went shopping with Valerie after her exams today and I saw a Gucci monogram wallet that I love it soooooo much!!! I am now going so gaga over that wallet that I have the desire to buy it now though I declare that I am super broke! If I buy that wallet I will have to forgo my Tioman trip or postpone my plan of getting a new handphone. Die.. I really want to get the wallet so much that I have the urge to rush down to Orchard tomorrow to get it. I know its being irrational of me but I really really love it. I seldom indulge in branded stuff but I really love the design. However I am still getting the LV wallet even if I buy this Gucci one. *laughs*

Val bought a LV bag today. I am thinking of getting the smaller version but its so small that I think I cant even squeeze in both my wallet and handphone. And its another few hundred over dollars. But I think its nice... Its the shopping period. Just let me be... Maybe I will get it in a few months time... Omg I shouldn't have stepped in to the boutiques in the first place...

I seriously think that I ought to find myself a part time job before my bank accounts break down. And it will keep me from having too much idle time to go shopping and spending so much money. Bought a new pair of shoes and a black m)phosis top just now. And I still got like 2 new pair of shoes not worn yet. Don't know what has gone over me recently that I keep buying shoes. So much damage done today!

Realised that I can't always go shopping with Val. Everything I fancy she will say nice nice nice and ask me to buy. Same applies for her. Whatever she sees I will also say nice. Lolz... If this continues both of us will have to declare bankrupt in no time.

I still promised Hui yesterday that I will save up for the trip and not spending money on shopping. But look what I have just done... As predicted by Hui that I will sure spend money buying stuffs today... Damn... Anybody willing to sponsor me??? *grins*

ends at 5:59 PM

Monday, June 13, 2005Y

Weekend highlights

Weekend highlights

Went shopping in town yesterday with Peng for my belated birthday present. He said I can buy anything I like. *grins* After much consideration, I decided to get myself a new bikini. I want a white colour bikini. So, there we went searching high and low for my ideal bikini. We went into every beach wear shop. Flash n Splash, Roxy, Ripcurl, Surfbabe... The very first shop we went to was Surfbabe at Wisma. Saw a white Ripcurl bikini I like, tried it on but I didn't really like the brand name printed on the bottom. So we searched for better ones around and after half day of walking around. Guess what. I decided on the very first bikini that I saw and thought that actually those words didn't look so bad. *laughs* That's girls!!!

Proceeded down to Dbl-O after that. Siew Hwee and Zhixiang joined us shortly after but also left soon after. Two gluttons went off for supper at Geylang. A total waste of cover charge. The music was OK only and my Summer Rain only came at 2 plus. Stayed there till almost 4 before Peng and friends decided to move off. I went down to Obar to look for Alan. But pai seh to say, it was lights on once I reached there. It was closed for the night. *laughs* Then Alan just sent me to the cab. Thanking me for looking him up only went the place was closed. Sorry lar... Retro night was too much to resist though the mixture of music wasn't that great.

Uhm... I saw him at Dbl-O yesterday. Actually I saw him every Wednesday and Saturday. Well as usual, we act like total strangers. Or rather he treats me like a stranger. I am already used to this kind of treatment. I saw him during Mambo on Wednesday as well. He was just walking behind me when I was leaving. Turned my head around to look for Phyllis and Hui and I saw him.. Exchanged a few words with him but as expected he sounded so reluctant to talk. I think time proves everything. In the past I felt terrible due to his treatment towards me. What I could do was to see him from far. Now, I admit I still keep a lookout for him but unlike in the past, I won't keep glancing at him. I will still have my fun and sometimes I even forgot that he was there. * bleams* Once in awhile I still think about him. I wonder if he has ever treated me as a friend. Was there any misunderstanding that causes him to ignore me totally? *shrugs* Only he has the key to the answer. I admit that I WAS(I tink it is a past tense) carrying a torch for him. But that was besides the point. Even if I have a liking for him there is no need to shut me off right? I mean... we can still remain as friends. But I do know that he ignores me not because of my liking for him. I have been waiting for the day when I can drop that torch. I think the day is nearing.

ends at 2:39 PM

Wednesday, June 08, 2005Y

I miss my sister

I miss my sister

I am so bored now. Spending time sitting down in front of a squarish screen trying to surf net and keep myself entertained only to realise that there are no websites for me to surf. Damn bored.

My sister went for a camp. Something like an post orientation thinggy. What's the point of having the camp when she has already started school for like a month plus? *duhz* She had an scavenger hunt at Sentosa yesterday. Called me at 10 in the morning and asked me a dumb question.

Xinyi: Jie, Sentosa got twin tower anot?
Rachel: (still half asleep) Huh I thought twin tower is in KL? What's up?
Xinyi: No lar I playing scavenger hunt in Sentosa. You got any idea what is twin tower referring to?
Rachel: No... hey me sleeping you know?
Xinyi: Hahaha ok never mind. Don't sleep le lar maybe later still need call you for help on those hints. Bye!!!

Lucky she never call back. If not I am gonna whack her ass out. I was still having a deep comfy slumber when her call woke me up. I thought she got urgent stuff and answered her call out of kindness. Damn she ask me stupid questions at the expense of my sleep.

This is the second night of her camp. Which is also the second night she is not sleeping at home. I am just feeling abit weird. I miss my sister. Not used to not having her around when night falls. Wonder what she is doing now. Walking those ghostly trips where you got blindfolded and lead by don't know who with idiots around you making stupid sounds to make you scared? Perhaps. Haha.

I am in a dilemma now. I have a 3 months plus holiday. I don't know what to do with it. I can't be sticking my butt at home everyday. I will only get bored and no one is as free as me to accompany me all day long. And bank is running low. Super low. I need to find myself a part time job I know. However, those stupid tuitions are hindering me. But I cant forsake tuitions just because I want to work for these 3 months. Tuitions are more for long term which keeps me survive through my uni life. Furthermore all my tuitions on hand now are consider quite highly paid. But I am still very free with those tuitions. But I don't want to take in more tuitions just for these 3 months. I know I won't be able to handle all once school term starts. Argh!

I am thinking of finding a night job. Anyway I am always free after 6pm and my tuitions usually starts in the afternoon. I can work at night. But who is going to hire me? Thought of going Noelle's mum's shop to work. Got more information from Elle just now. Part time must work Mon - Fri. Probably don't need to come in for weekends. Great I think. Cause I think weekends are no work days. And it is highly paid. If everything goes well I can earn about $350 per week. It is considered safer than I taking up other night jobs outside. At least there will be someone as my back up. And I won't be forced to do things I don't like. *laughs* But one factor keeps me hesitant. That means I must work on Wednesday night. That means I can't go mambo for 3 months. I am not willing to part with it temporary. When I miss it for one week the second week I will be craving for it already. How to endure for 3 whole months. I also think I am crazy for forgoing money for mambo. I know I shouldn't but.... Well... DILEMMA...

ends at 4:14 PM

Tuesday, June 07, 2005Y

Ouch!!!

Ouch!!!

I have got aches all over my body from head to toe. Went for squash with Siew Hwee, Zhixiang, Noelle and Keave. Just imagine I have not been exercising ever since I got out of secondary school. This is the first time in the 6 years that I have such strenuous workout. I have got an aching butt. Now I must walk slowly and taking my own sweet time to climb up steps just because I don't want to cause any more pain to my butt. Ouch.

They plan to reserve every Sunday for squash. My god. When did all of my friends become so siao on and health conscious? It was fun. But I felt like dying. Out of breath. Oh luckily the squash ball was soft. As predicted, it hit me. But not as painful as I thought. Geez... Also went for a swim after the squash game. I feel so satisfied with myself. Hahahaha. Let's just hope the streak will go on.

Life after exams has been boring. I met Hui on Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday. 6 days a week. God. People will think I am madly in love with her. Hahaha. I don't know but close friends around me are all attached. You know that kind of feeling? The feeling of being lost and out of place. I know they don't mind me tagging along( or rather its their boy friends who tag along) *laughs* and hanging out in a group but you know that kind of feeling when you hang out with all couples? I also don't know how to describe the feeling but it is just not a very nice one. It just makes me wonder why I am boy friend-less. Ya I know I am being paranoid. Just let me be. But lucky me, I still got my old Hui for me. Willing to forsake her boyfriend just for me. *hehe*

I often wonder what am I looking for in a boyfriend. I often wonder why all my relationships cannot last more than 18 months. I often wonder is it really my problem. What I am looking for seems to be more stringent as I grow older. It is not just the feelings that matters like what I used to think when I was younger. I don't wish to fall into a relationship just because of purely emotions and later find out there are flaws in the person that I cannot accept. But in the first place, the man must be attractive enough to make me like him.

He must be:
- Thoughful
- Considerate
- Charming (in my own context)
- Humourous
- Knowledgeable, street-wise ( therefore can keep me entertained and arouse my interest. I am a typical gemini who needs constant entertainment if not I will label you as boring)
- Fun to be with
- Able to click with my girls and their bunch of cranky boy friends
- Sensible (knowing when its the time for work or fun, putting the more important priority first)
- Gentleman
- Likes activities like camping, bbq, fishing blah blah (those kind of cranky stuff I like to do)
- Treats me like a princess

But first and foremost for such a wonderful person to exist in my life, he must be BLIND. Wahaha where on earth will such an ideal man fall for me? But people, if you come across such persons please don't forget to introduce to me... *laughs*

ends at 4:23 PM

Sunday, June 05, 2005Y

Life after being released

Life after being released

Oh no life is just so boring after exams... How am I going to survive these 3 months plus? Poor me had a boring birthday. Really accompanied my mum down to my aunt's shop. Nice thing was I had my mani and pedicure done! *bleams* By my cousin Evan. Thanks!

Stayed at my aunt's shop till 10 plus and met Allan. Well it was a very rush meet up coz I already agreed to meet Weilie at 11 plus. I am so sorry I was in such a hurry and did not really have time for you Allan. I really feel very pai seh...

Had a sumptuous crab feast at one of the seafood restaurant along Boat Quay. Weilie's treat! *laughs* And I had two pincers out of the crab. Weilie let me eat both coz he knows I like dat part. Geez...Sad thing was I spoilt my nicely done up nails while struggling with the crab pincers. Sobz... Went home after a short while coz by then it was already 2 plus in the morning. That's how I spent my birthday. With most of the time surfing net at home and doing my nails. Dunno why but birthday seems to get not so interesting as you grow older. I think it happens to everybody. I remembered how excited I was on my birthday back when I was still young. But now birthday just gets boring and makes you worried about your age.

I have got 3 cakes this year! Hehehe... One from my girls, one from Allan and one from my sister!!! I did not expect my sister to actually buy me a cake and a present for my birthday. She is soooooo lovely and sweet. She placed my present on my bed. No wonder she kept sms-ing me asking me what time I will be back home. I think this is the first time out of my 16 years with her that she bought a cake and prezzie for me. I remembered I always buy her birthday cake to have the cake cutting session every year when she was still young. Did not expect her to do the same thing to me when she grows up. I love my sister.

Going Mahjong later at my usual gambling den. But will be having steamboat dinner first. Will be going to buy the stuff for steamboat with Hui later. See how am I going to slim down with meals like that? Hope I am still on a winning streak. Just don't let me lose. Super broke these days.

Agreed to play squash with hui tomorrow. Getting abit worried. Coz I never play squash before and I am beginning to wonder if it is I play squash or squash play me. For one simple reason. I am very afraid of balls. I am always scared that they will hit me. And I don't know is by coincidence or fate that balls always hit me when I was already trying hard to avoid them. Football, netball, tennis ball whatever ball. They always hit me. The worst thing was I was not involved in the game. I just happen to pass by or being somewhere near. They never failed to fly in my direction and land themselves upon me. Now it feels like I am purposely going to get hit by the squash balls. Pray hard that I will not get injured by fracturing my stiff bones or being smashed by those squash balls. On top of that, I have got zero ball sense and given that I am so afraid of balls, I guess my first intuition when the balls fly in my direction is to siam. *laughs*

Oh Happy Birthday Noelle!!! It's your birthday tomorrow. Hope you like what we will be giving you.
My dear precious sister plus very best friend of mine is only 3 days younger than me. We always celebrate our birthday together when we were still teens. Time flies. We are getting old. Now it is your turn to turn 22!!! So don't get to smirk!

ends at 6:29 AM

Friday, June 03, 2005Y

Here are some of the pics taken at my birthday celebration...

Outside Marche

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outside a shop

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elle+me+hui+fen

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look at how crazy my girls are

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elle and me

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Fen and me

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Ita a one! Taught by-- Hui's mummy
the taking photo technique step 125!!!

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Its a two!

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Its a five!

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At marche table

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Cheeky me and hui

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It's a terrible birthday

It's a terrible birthday

Woke up and suddenly feel so damn ultimate bored that I decided to blog again. Foul mood. Woke up and received many birthday wishes from friends. Thank you guys for remembering my birthday. Among the sms-es was Weilie's sms. He said he gotta work night shift tonight so can't accompany me for dinner. Wreck my whole plan, or rather mood, or rather whole day. Feeling so down upon seeing the message. I know he didn't meant to but who else can I go out with on my birthday??? I am not staying at home to pass my birthday!

I feel so empty now. What plans can I have later? Actually my original ideal plan that will make me on the top of the world was to asked him out for a movie. Plucked up all my courage I could find within my almost totally drained body and sms-ed him. Asking how was he recently. He replied. But as expected, his attitude was cold. Knew what his reply would be even before asking the main question. Thus, I decided not to ask in the fear of a straight rejection. I didn't feel terrible after sms-ing him. Coz I already expected him to behave like that. I just wanna try my luck out. At least I tried. Another reason perhaps was due to me putting most of my concentration on my revision. Therefore no time to think about it. A third reason could be I am slowly recovering from the pain, slowly climbing out.

Having no plans now just make me think of him Dreaming of how nice if my plan succeed. Why must I be so unlucky that Weilie must work night shift?

He did not wish me a happy birthday. Think he didn't even bother to remember. I am still hoping that he would just sent me a sms today. But I know chances are near to zero.

My mum keeps asking me to go to my aunt's newly opened beauty saloon with her and let my cousin do my nails. Told her I can't make it today coz I am going out later. I told her that even though I didn't have any plans on. Don't know what I am doing. She keeps persuading telling me to go out on other days. Think she forgot that it's my birthday today. Haiz...

What am I going to do later??? Feel so frustrated with myself. I cancelled all tuitions for the day and now I got nothing better to do. Argh! The feeling sucks. How nice will it be if I can really go out to the movies with him. It is just a small little wish that can never be fulfilled. Oh no I must be dreaming now. I better stop myself before I fell into a state of even more terrible mood.

ends at 6:29 AM

Thursday, June 02, 2005Y

It's my birthday!!!

It's my birthday!!!

First and foremost, HAPPY BIRTHDAY to myself! Oh shit oh shit... I am already 22 years old.
One more step to the label Auntie. But hack... Me gonna enjoy myself today. I am the birthday girl!!! Lalala~~~

You people must be thinking that I am abit crazy but birthday only comes once a year! But somehow or rather I wish birthday does not come once a year. So that I don't need to add a plus one onto my age. Age, something that goes up but never come down.

Another thing to be happy about. I am being released from the clutches of an evil demon called Examinations. Exams are over! Woo hoo!!! I am free at last!~ Now I can officially go clubbing and mahjong without having to feel guilty and anxious. Lalala...

But my finance paper was super cannot make it. Those topics which I studied intensively did not come out but they were out for the previous 3 years. Damn it. Count myself unlucky. I will be happy enough if I can pass this paper. I was flipping and tossing the whole question paper looking for a quesion I could do.
Lesson learnt: Do not ever under-estimate the cunning-ness of UOL examiners. They are a sly sly bunch.

Had my birthday celebration with Noelle, Xiuhui and Jing Fen just now. Went shopping and bought myself a sweet white sphagetti top which I wore it straight. *laughs* It was followed by a dinner at Marche and we had lots of fun taking photographs and crapping silly jokes. Oh will try to post up the pics we took. Headed down to Zouk for Mambo. My favourite! *grins* Poor Fen and Elle wasn't too keen on going but they went coz it is my birthday. Simply love them so much.

Halfway through, both of them sneaked out and bought me a sponge cheesecake. My birthday cake! I have got a birthday cake! *laughs* They walked all the way carrying their tired legs to buy me the cake. See how sweet they are. Then Hui cooked up a stupid reason to drag me out of Zouk before the lights were on. Heng Summer Rain was already out. So out we went and saw Fen and Elle waiting by the river with my cake. Sat down on the table outside and ate the cake. We had no plates or knives, so we just munched straight from the cake Abit gross but that's the way I like. Geez... They bought me a Le Coq Sportif jacket. Very very pretty. Actually they wanted to buy me the red with white stripes addias jacket for me which I have been yearning for but whole Singapore was out of stock. But never mind I still like my new jacket.

Got to know a new friend at Zouk today. His name is Alan. A mambo regular. Yah those on the centre platform kind. Talked over the phone with him for a short while just now. Seems like a pretty nice and friendly chap. He told me he saw me several times at Zouk and know I frequent there. And he knows where I always stand. Omg... Oh no am I becoming a recognisable face there? I hope not...

This is the 2nd time in my whole life that I gave my number during clubbing. Well, no harm getting to know more kakis for Zouk. *hehe* The first time? Ended up disastrious and wrecked my whole life upside down. But nobody actually believe me that I only gave my number once. But hey it is true. I swear. Believe me can? And never did I imagine that that only time can create such great impact on me. Shan't talk about it today. Coz it's my birthday!!! Walalala~~~

Removed my makeup and feel pain the inner corner of my right eye. Don't know what's happening to me. Too heaty or lack of sleep? It is getting irritating. Hope it doesn't get worse by the time I wake up. I need to be pretty today. Coz it's my birthday!!!

*Laughs* Ok I know I am crazy. I don't care anyway. I am going to sleep now. Last but not least, A very happy birthday to me! Hahaha...

ends at 8:35 PM