Went for a movie with my big baby on Friday night. Journey to the centre of the Earth. Before that, I told him I was famished as I never ate my dinner and wanted to drag him for food. Then he said he planned to bring me for Mac breakfast. But in the end, I was too hungry to wait for 4 hours and we went to NYDC to settle my dinner. And, being to full of myself, I still told him we can go for Mac after the movie ends.

Haha, of coz, after the movie my tummy was still stuffed with not yet digested meatball pasta. I still insisted in the Mac but he said no point stuffing myself when I am not hungry. And promised to bring me another time.

My big baby is so sweet. He wanted to bring me for Mac breakfast because last week I told him I was having Mac breakfast craving.

So on Sunday, we went for dinner and arcade at Cine, where the big baby got himself all drenched in 4 games of basketball throwing. Initially wanted to go home to play PS2 due to the wet weather and order Mac breakfast. He told me at first he planned bring me go for prawning but cancelled due to the weather. On the way to get black beauty, I said that the rain had stopped, why not go for prawning... Then he said never bring the clipper for the hook, and I replied can use hand to take out the hook what... And he remained slient. We went up black beauty, and he brought me for prawning. Yay! We reached home at 2 plus, and played computer. He zonked out at 4am and I asked him to order the breakfast. He told me he don't want to eat but he can order for me. So disappointing. Eat alone where got fun right. So I told him never mind, even though I wanted very much so to eat. He promised to bring me for the breakfast
Thursday. Hope this time really can eat!

After so many days of having no chance to eat the Mac breakfast, I am still having a very huge dilemma. Should I order Hotcakes with sausage or McGriddles?? Headache!!!

I just texted him that I am having chili crab craving... Hahaha...

Just now at his place I ate the Joo Chiat dumpling. Damn nice can!! And I am also having bak kut teh craving. Argh....

I have never ending food craving. But the bak kut teh craving revived everytime I watched Love Blossoms on Tudou. Coz Huang Wenyong open Bak Kut Teh store in the show!! Kekeke.

Big baby told me he will try to plan something with his guys this Saturday. Great! Seldom that we hang out with them. And hanging out with them guarantees fun and laughter!

Recently I feel so tired with work. Everyday gotta feel so sianz to go to work. Everyday so many people chasing after me... Not that I don't want to respond... I don't even have the time to sort out their things... Nowadays I even skipped my dinner because there is no time to eat... What more they want from me? I really don't know how long I can take this. There are so many things on hand left untouched. I also want to complete them. But I really have not enough time. It is stressing me out. But luckily, I never carry the stress once I am out of office. But now thinking about the amount of work waiting for me, I dread it. If there is one point that I cannot take it anymore, I think I will just tender.

Still actively looking for jobs. But still, either that my applications doesn't come back with replies, or that my applications get rejected. My CV is really that lousy to even grant me for an interview meh? So saddening. I wonder how the rest of my schoolmates find the job. My grades may not be a high flyer. But at least also a second lower honours what! Not even a single interview for those countless applications I have sent out. I really wonder what is wrong with my CV. Those with lower grades than me also landed themselves in pretty good jobs. And I am still stuck with my current job more then one year after completing my final exams. I feel so lousy and helpless. I am such a lousy person. Lousy lousy lousy. Not even a single interview. I hate this feeling.

I am fumingly angry with somebody. SOMEBODY whose name shall not be mentioned.

Time and time, this SOMEBODY will always take out my request to whine, complain and nag.

Sometimes out of the blue, sometimes when I mentioned about marriage.

Everytime he goes: "Because of your STUPID diamond ring la... if not we can faster get married already..."

OR

"All because you want the ring la... if not we can go apply flat liao"

He only knows how to tiu tiu and tiu... And make it seems like I am fucking unreasonable. Seems so unreasonable that even my closest friend thinks I am. Am I unreasonable? To him, yes. He thinks that I am asking for something way beyond his capability and means. He thinks that I like the ring and that's why I want him to get it for me, before I agree to marry him.

He simply belongs to that typical Singaporean men. Go apply flat can already.

Look.

The ring I asked for, is:

Not more than 0.4 ct
No more than an E colour(E or F also can)
Clarity I dun give much damn as long it is at least VS1
The only thing is that it is a celestial

Very unreasonable meh?

I know he can't afford a big one. That's why I say a .38 or so. Think I dun want be like other people get a 0.5 ct ring meh?

He only look things at his own perspective. Always digging at how cham he is, how pitiful and tied he is. Did he ever think of how I feel?

It's not that I have never explained to him before. I did tell him how I feel, how I look at the situation.

To me, a marriage proposal is a formal and official request to ask a woman you really love, to spend the rest of her life with you. To set up a family together, to watch your kids grow, to endure whatever hardship, happiness together and eventually, grow old together. I think the proposal has to be sincere, and of course comes with it is a proposal ring, a ring significant enough to ask for her hand. I feel the significance of the proposal ring shows how much sincerity and effort the guy has put it. How much he 重视 the girl, to ask her to be his wife.

That's why I told him before, I will never trade in my proposal ring for anything else or any better diamond. How it holds alot of importance and meaning to me.

But the message I get from him is that he thinks I wanna tok him a nice ring for proposal. But come on, have I ever been finanically dependent on him? For so many times that we have gone on holiday, when did I ever expect him to pay for my expenses? Even the hotel cost we also split half one. Does he think I am really that materialistic? Even if I want to pursue luxurious stuff, I will always depend on myself to get it. When have I ever open my mouth and demand him to buy things for me?

I am boiling hot with disappointment now. With tears filled to the brim of my eyes.

And further to that, the ring is the only thing I ever asked for. I did not demand for:
-a grand wedding dinner at a posh 5 star hotel
-a superb wedding package
-a photoshoot that allows me to change up to 8 costumes
-a pair of platinum designer brand wedding bands

And, it has always been my dream that I wanna get ROM and customary together. It has always been. But he has explained to me before that financially he is not able to realise it. So ok. I dropped that idea and agreed to ROM first and custom a year later. Does he know how much a wedding mean to a girl?

There was even a period where he suggested that the wedding shoot package can go JB take. Coz cheaper. And I actually agreed ok.

I have already tried to understand him and the situation, and give ways to make things easier for the both of us. Why can't he see it?

If I am really stubborn and unreasonable, I could have always insisted my way.

He doesn't know that by always complaining that I am being too demanding for the ring, it hurts. It always hurts. Time and time, when I am at home, when I think about this, I will hide under my pillow and weep.

After so much emotional struggle, I think the purpose of the ring and proposal isn't there anymore. Even if he really comes with the ring I want, it already seems like I "force" him to get it. It will only freeze the fact that I am pathetic. What's the point? There isn't any meaning anymore. I dun want the ring anymore.

And, how much I envy Noelle. I really envy her. She has been married for coming 4 years, and when they got married, her hubby did not get her any diamond ring coz that time not much spare cash as all finances went to the wedding. But her hubby did promised her one day he will get her a diamond ring. The path after marriage of coz is not smooth, they had their fair share of quarrels and disagreements. Now 4 years later, her sweet hubby actually secretly save up for several months, just to fulfill that promise. So sweet! See, even though married already still can do such sweet act. So in the end, after he saved up to a sufficient sum he broke the news to her and brought my delighted friend to choose the ring together. If I were Noelle I would have broken down and cried with tears of joy already. The significance is not the ring, it is the heart that counts. Of coz I am happy for my friend to see her so blissed. But at the same time it just magnifies on how pathetic I am.

p/s: I mean I dun want it as in it as a proposal ring. Of course, my love for celestial will always be there. I will surely buy it one day to pamper myself. Maybe can get a smaller one first, then upgrade a couple of years later. Anyway they will eat back the full value. But not now la, now I broke. Haha. A few months later after I have scrimped and saved enough.

p/p/s: I know he loves and dotes on me alot. But, he just don't understand me well enough inside.

p/p/p/s: I dun care even if he reads this entry. Actually I know he will. But I did not blog this entry as a defiant act. I swear. I feel that this should be my own space for me to yell and scream my frustrations, to cry over my sorrows, and to remember the happy moments.

I am way toooo lazy to continue uploading the never ending Bali photos. Too tedious for me. Procrastinating me rules! Haha.

Have been blog hopping and often see people blogging about their gown fitting. When will it be my turn? *turn and look deeply into tintin's eyes, whines I think that will be one of the happiest day of my life. To try on and choose the best fitting wedding gown. Well, which girl won't? And I reckon that to be the most motivating tool for my slimming down plan. Haha, the plan that never seems to be working. I will wait. Patiently. Till my not so exactly rich Tintin to save up. However, by then maybe I will need botox too. Hahaha.

I want to get engaged in the process of marriage preparation. But it takes him forever to save for the ring. Sobs. Ok. I can't wait to get married. But, I insist on him getting the ring and done up with the proposal FIRST, before we move on to any planning. In another words, I don't want to give him the idea that I die die definitely will marry him. I have still got my worth and pride to stick up to.

Enough about my marriage desperation. Singapore women's table tennis got into the Olympic Finals! Woots!! Was watching the match against Korea just now. 捏了一把冷汗. At least Singapore manage to get a medal this year. Consider very proud already. Tintin told me finals on next Sunday. But he on night shift. Cannot watch. Hahaha. And he jokingly say wanna throw McChicken. I was so keen on that idea. Still tell him good, I can watch the match with him and stay over his place, next day still can have the whole day go out together. I am evil!! Keke, but being a responsible worker he is, he say will claim off instead, but subject to manpower. Boo...

I am having a steamboat craving now. Hope he brings me for steamboat tonight.

I feel like doing something to my hair. Wanted all along to try perming. But tintin forbids me to. =( But Nicole keep persuading me to perm with her. So fan! Should I perm and get scolded by tintin and at the same time undertaking the risk of getting a disasterous hair?

Saturday was I think the most hectic National Day I have ever had.

16 hours of mahjong at Elle's place. From 2.30p.m all the way to Sunday 6.30 a.m. Break in between for dinner though. The longest session I had in my entire life. Totally drained by he time we ended. And, from the whole heap of chips that I have collected at the beginning, I ended up with only winning 6 bucks. *frown =( And my cabfare from with ru cost each of us 7 bucks. I still have to dao tiap 1 dollar lor.

While I let Mdm Phua played my leg, I had to help babysit Chloe. Was crying non stop at first and Terence managed to carry her and shake till she sleep. And he put her on the sofa when she was asleep. Good time didn't last too long. She slept for the next 45 mins or so, and woke up watching the National Day Parade and playing with her mitten. After a while, she decided to cry. Kept talking to her but she just cried and cried. So, I carried her up and shake her lor. At first when I carried her Noelle damn worried that I will drop her. Haha. Coz I am erm... Clumsy. But... Hee hee nothing happen to her la. Shake shake and shake... And she stopped crying and checked out on her surrounding. That little naughty one is out to torture me I tell you. The moment I stop shaking she will start to cry. Oh My GOD!!! That happened like one billion times. And I decided to put her on my lap and rock, while she, like a queen, watched the parade bleamingly. I thought she engrossed on TV and I stopped. And there she goes crying! 真拿她没办法！A while more later she decided to torture me further by crying even when I sit down! I rock her while standing. No problem. Rock her while sitting. Cry like nobody's business. Until I surrender man. I was at her mercy. Well, the queen's mother decided to take over her after torturing me for half an hour. And my arms actually went soft after I passed her over can. I woke up Sunday afternoon with aching arms, and aching chest muscles. She is power la. Made me her personal rocker slave. Boo hoo hoo...

And hor, tell you, her crying no tears come out one! Just want to cheat me to rock her lor. Basket. But I just can't reject her lor.

After mj I slept for 5 hours and went for work.

Monday brought elmo boy to East Coast Park!

My two naughty boys...

He doesn't like to take photos at all. Take out camera only no matter how you call him also won't respond one.

Licking in action!!

This is my cute little monster.

Aww... Isn't he sooooo cute in the basket?

We rented a bicycle for 2 and put the rascal in the basket. Tintin said he ma chiam like King, can enjoy the breeze. And most of the time, I was too lazy to cycle and difficult to cooperate with his momentum, and I simply put fold my legs while Tintin pedal like mad and still have to look after Elmo who is in front. Haha. So pitiful like that. After that we went from East Coast to West Coast. Haha. To the dog run. And the monkey made the dog chased after him. Hahaha.

Was so sad when I returned Elmo. Seeing him wanting to run to us and struggling behind the glass door almost made me cry. So heart wrenching. And I can't bear to turn and leave., while he tried hard to push the glass door. I feel like a bad owner. Making him suffer like this.

Nonetheless, at least not as heartless as somebody.

Have been uploading the Bali photos on 2 separate occasions. And not yet completed. Still halfway through. So be prepared for the overflooding photos on Bali posting.

Now, one precious life is dependent on me for survival. I need to cut down on my spending aka shopping. No more implusive buying from online blogs, no more f21 sprees. Sobs. Just last month alone I have spent more than $100 on f21 sprees. Also no more Gucci bag. The tote I wanted to buy can keep him alive and safe for more than 2 months. So dropped the bag idea. I also wanted to sign a IPL package, now contemplating as it is a significant sum of money, that can again, last him for 3 months.

Whatever amount I spend on myself, I have to think about him. The moment I think about spending a sum of money, it will automatically relate to how long that sum of money can keep him in warmth. And I have to forgo so many things for myself. But definitely, a life is far more precious than the materials that I want to pursue.

No matter how small a life is, a life is still a life. It will still have emotions and feelings. It will the feel the hurt inflicted on him.

I have once helped a person who is in need of urgent help, out of good faith. But the person took advantage of my good faith and threw the whole problem to me. And swipe his hands declaring: it is not his problem anymore. Great. It doesn't pay to be nice. Or should I say, being nice can land you into trouble. Never mind. I believe in karma. Bad karma will befall on him in the future. But I shouldn't say what. God is fair and he has eyes to see. I am nice to people who are nice to me. At the same time, I can be very mean to people who took advantage of my kindness. Once is enough. If he still has the cheek to contact me again, I promise myself that I will give him a hard time.

This just makes me fume so much. All the nice impressions and good things about him vanished into thin air, replaced by intense detest and hatred. Just the name alone makes me wanna puke. So, better fuck out of my life. And of coz, thanks for throwing everything to me and wipe your hands off on what ought to be your problem too.

We shall see how long your happy scene will last.